Drawing a Disorder

How do you depict something as complex as a mental illness?

Hey Honey,

Through our journey, I’ve had the privilege of getting my mental illness interpreted by two visual artists. First, for your essay in Modern Love, Brian Rea depicted my OCD as a lurking blue blob:

For our appearance on the Embodied podcast, Charnel Hunter represented my anxiety as an exploding scribble of red:

I like Brian Rea’s interpretation as OCD as a lurking presence — an elephant just outside the room. Recently, I’ve started treating my OCD thoughts as coming from some other entity rather than myself as a way to separate my judgement from my intrusive thoughts. I call this voice “Donnie” so I can dismiss it more easily (this is a reference to Steve Buscemi’s character in The Big Lebowski who’s constantly ignored and berated by the other characters.)

Charnel Hunter captures another key aspect of my anxiety — the exhausting tangle of internal dialogue that results from clinically malignant uncertainty and doubt.

Donnie, unfortunately, tends to make some really good points.

Are you sure that finish you put on the dining table is safe to eat on? You know they put all kinds of toxic stuff in those products.

Are you sure your son actually went through the school doors? You didn’t see him actually go in, and kids can wander off so easily…

There is always a kernel of truth in these intrusive worries, so I find myself having to work through the issue, debating whether the worry is valid or just anxiety. Sometimes it takes hours, or goes on in small bits over a week. I want to bury my head in my hands as the debate swirls around me.

So what is it like? How would I depict my OCD? In the Embodied podcast, we were joined by H.T., who told a story about how her mother performed an exorcism as a way to help her with her OCD. This was powerful to me, because ultimately, I think of Donnie as a demon. It feels like Donnie was sent from hell to sow chaos in my life in clever ways, constantly toying with my analytical mind to knock me off track.

I may try to draw this demon someday, to help others see what OCD is like. Until then, I’m going to practice telling him to shut the hell up.

Love,

Mike