Do Any of Us Know What We're Doing?

Because I Still Don't...

Hey Honey,

I've been thinking a lot about your last post, and how differently I feel about my life now than I did back when I wrote that song.

I was in my mid-twenties when I wrote that song, and we were already dating but our relationship was still relatively new. At that time, I felt like I had so many huge life decisions ahead of me: whether to go to graduate school or not, what direction to take my career, whether to get married and have kids, where to live, whether to buy a house, etc.

Now, fifteen years later, all those huge decisions have been made already. It felt for a while there that we'd be making huge, life-altering decisions our whole adult lives. But actually, reading your post made me realize that we're pretty much done with the big ones. Sure, there are smaller decisions to be made ahead, but none as life-altering as how many children to have, for example.

These days, instead of making huge decisions, we are living with the consequences of the ones we've made. And I feel a different kind of wistfulness now. Because sometimes, life is really hard. I think we made great decisions, personally, and I don't regret any of them. But even after navigating thoughtfully through a bunch of tough ones, and coming up with the best answers we could for our own lives — balancing our desires for adventures and travel with having the family we wanted and a place to call home — we've had a lot of really challenging situations to navigate. We still do. And sometimes, if I'm being really honest, I wonder what our life would be like if, for example, if we’d had our kids sooner, or later. If I'd managed my career differently, and not taken so much time away to stay home with the kids. If we lived in a European country where childcare was subsidized. You get the idea.

I wrote a different song, a few years back, about that feeling. It's about being on a train that we can't get off of, and we don't know where it's going, and it's taking all these crazy twists and turns and we're just along for the ride. It's about loving each other and our children through the madness of this life we've chosen, and sticking with it even though it drives me crazy sometimes.

I don't know which is harder, honestly; being mid-twenties and overwhelmed with the difficulty of making huge life decisions, or being early forties and living with the consequences of those decisions. I thought we'd have more control over our lives as we got older, but that hasn't been the case. At least for the moment, it feels like we're just along for the ride.

I'm still grateful, every day, through all the challenges, that you're the one I get to go on this crazy ride with.

Love,

Nicole

Here’s a photo of me performing with my band back in 2010, when I still thought I might someday know what I was doing…